Your regularly scheduled GIF SHOW won’t be happening in its usual cavalier manner as my intern, Kyle, is in college and on what some would call a “fall break.” Instead, I get the joy of bringing you the Week 7 edition of CFBRU, in which the state of Mississippi owns the Greatest Conference in the World(TM) and all the world is its oyster. We’ll hit the highlights, but I’m overdosing on hockey and as such refuse to indulge in such trifles as numerous honourable mentions when I’m 90% sure this CFB season is a real life NCAA 14 sim in which some snot-nosed 13 year old kid living in whatever backwoods cabin lies between Starkville and Oxford is playing on “Junior Varsity.” With that said we’ll jump right in, just as soon as I make all the overeager rosy-glassed fans from my alma mater eat every last bit of crow they deserve for rushing the field against freaking Miami. You thought after playing a bunch of cupcakes and looking like a hot mess while doing so that Tech was gonna win anything? Cool man. Cool.
GIF of the Week
WINNER: Lou Holtz – ESPN
Sure, it’s a Vine. And it’s GIF of the week. But as Editor of these here web pages and with Kyle on sabbatical I deem it appropriate that Lou Holtz gets to whoop and holler and CLANGA all over the place and oh my God isn’t he 80 years old how is his hip still attached.
Game of the Week
Honorable Mention: The State of Mississippi
Look, man. This week was nuts. And everyone is talking about the black magic that is happening over in the formerly lackluster and depressing state. Before this season, they’ve been football relevant for two things since Brett Favre broke into THE LEAGUE back in nineteen-hundred and ninety-one, and that is for the gifts that are Eli’s clearly superior MANNING FACE and the joy that Jevan Snead provided us as he went from Potential Number One Pick after his nutso 2008 to Undrafted College Free Agent in 2009.
Ole Miss and State get the Honorable for beating a pair of highly ranked conference opponents, and beating them fairly convincingly at that. Auburn was able to make it a one score game with State in the third, but Nick Marshall having to play catch up never felt particularly threatening to me. Meanwhile, Ole Miss hemorrhaged yards but generally kept the artist formerly known as Kenny Trill in check. Both of these teams have been playing pretty complete football, aren’t Tech-ing it up with their schedule and beating up on soft teams, and have arguably the two best names in quarterbacking with Bo Wallace and Dak Prescott. I know. I don’t know what’s happening either. I don’t want to live in a world where Mississippi is anything more than a poor man’s Alabama, but here we are.
Honorable Mention: Alabama 14, Arkansas 13
Full disclosure: this game shouldn’t be here. This was a trash game. It was abysmal, boring, lazy football. But lol Alabama. TJ Yeldon looks slow and indecisive at times. The lines aren’t dominating the way that we’re used to seeing them maul. And yeah, Bama keeps churning out mediocre frat boy game manager quarterbacks, but is there any doubt that wow Blake Sims is not good at football? Going back to noted Bama legend Brodie Croyle, there hasn’t been a quarterback in Tuscaloosa that inspired this little confidence in his ability to hand off 40 times a game and throw 15-20 screens and slants for 160 odd yards. Chances are that Mississippi stole Nick Saban’s playbook Waterboy style and this is the reality we have to live in moving forward.
WINNER: Baylor 61, TCU 59
I seriously can’t get over how boring the Bama game was. Like, no insanity, no fun, no offens–WHAT THE SAM HELL HAPPENED HERE BOYS. This was one of my favorite games to watch all season. No frivolous things like “defense,” just a whole lotta runnin’ and gunnin’. Baylor racked up 300 more yards of offense than TCU did, including over 500 yards chuckin’ the ole pigskin from Bryce Petty and 178 yards on 29 carries from the awesomely named SHOCK Linwood. TCU managed to stick around til the bitter end by returning both a kickoff and an interception for touchdowns. TELL ME THIS ISN’T FUN.
Performance of the Week:
I’m getting frisky and breaking all the rules. Co-Players for week 7. Bryce Petty’s whole public burning of TCU’s secondary was super entertaining, and I can forgive his lack of efficiency for the deep shots he took and connected on. Meanwhile, Dak Prescott everyone. Facing Auburn’s Battle Tested SEC Defense complete with SEC Speed(TM), all Dak did was throw for 246 while carrying the ball 21 times for 120+ yards, chipping in 3 total touchdowns while taking down the number two team in the nation. Not only did he perform well individually, but his execution of the read option was beautiful, with very few misreads, leading to another 19 carries, 97 yards, and two touchdowns from the diminutive Josh Robinson.
This week was insane. Like, I’m nearing 1000 misguided words about Mississippi football insane. Kyle will be back next week, and you’ll get your stinkin’ GIFs. But you’ll also get a lot of Mississippi football. These two teams are scary good and are running through quite the gauntlet to prove it. And I still don’t know how we got here. Burn. It. Down.
Bonus GIF, in honour of the Sarknado, who narrowly defeated noted CFB powerhouse Arizona this week: