Series Preview: Mets, August 10-13

BGS is delighted to bring you a special preview for this most special of series. This is no normal guest post. The elite levels of wickedness that the Mets bring to the table demand an elite guest. And we have found one in the form of a Frog from the Internet who also happens to be our ombudsman. You can and should find George W. Frog on Twitter at @sadhistorymajor.

This Braves season has easily been the worst of my entire life. If you don’t know who I am, that’s pretty cool. Growing up I wanted to someday play for the Atlanta Braves, and seeing the bunch of no-names pitching for them nowadays it looks like I could have! In a season like this it’s important to keep the positives in mind. Sometimes in life you have to just watch Cameron Maybin when he’s got a good streak going and promise yourself you’ll never open his Fangraphs page again. Sometimes you need to see Lucas Sims’s stat line over his last few outings on Twitter without checking this page on Baseball America that says the lack of elite level prospects in the minors means the farm system still isn’t top five material. Don’t worry that Shelby Miller can’t buy a win or that Andrelton Simmons may never hit a dinger again. Even in a season like this there are still some positives. The team didn’t get swept by the Phillies (they get another chance, though #TeamTank) and they got rid of José Constanza. See? I bet you’re already feeling pretty dang good.

But, of course, sometimes the negatives creep up in spite of your best efforts at optimism. You can’t have light without a little dark. You can’t always enjoy the totality of a Nationals summer collapse without instead noticing the other, bungling evil tripping over itself toward advancement.

Meet the Mets:

Despite recent efforts by the team to fumble their success this season in an entirely in-character way, the New York Mets remain in first place. The entire division is doing its best to fall down the stairs, and the Nationals just happen to be a little more dedicated to the cartoonish tumble. Bless them. Somebody has to go to the playoffs, and it’s looking like the Mets lost the nose game.

If you’re anything like me, this series is probably going to make you grumpy. No matter their divisional positioning, the Mets are #bad. They have always been #bad and they will always be #bad. In spite of their undeniable #badness, Thursday night at 7:10 Eastern time Bartolo Colón is probably going to chuck his 89 mph steroid-fueled boogerball over the plate for 6.9 hitless innings. Then he’ll do something wacky like fall over or lose his helmet and Twitter will go nuts. “Haha! Look at this walking Christmas ham and his magnificent antics!” They’ll ooze out between fits of uncontrollable joy and calls for his place on Kanye’s 2020 Presidential ticket. The Braves will fart out a run in the 8th maybe to prevent the shutout and the mercy of Fredi González’s unemployment and the game will end with Juan Uribe pelvic thrusting in the direction of the 420 weeping, tomahawk-sagging faithful in attendance. Shelby Miller will lose his 14th game and, sobbing, ask what hateful God would send him from the Cardinals to this relentless, Best-Fans-In-Baseball-less tire fire. Also, after the game Ryan Lavarnway will sneak over to the other team’s clubhouse, don a Mets cap, and no one will ever notice.

And that’s just game one!

Now that Manny Banuelos is dead, again, still, more, etc., game two is probably gonna star Matt Wisler. Wisler is notable for:

  1. The silly expectations established by his debut.
  2. Weak shit that falls off of the plate vs. LHH, no one falls for this, btw.
  3. Mid 90s fastball and a good slider with an inability strike anyone out.
  4. Possession of a new narrative of being too passive during his struggles.

I for one can’t wait to hear that last one play out during the rest of his middling time in Atlanta. Only watch game two, if the Mets’ Matz is over his blister issue. He’s an actually good pitching prospect, I guess–the kind that we were led to believe these new Barves were going to be building around. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Game three features two young pitchers who are very different. One is tubby, sweaty, and like Matt Wisler throws that boring weak fall-away garbage that seems to be a new-Barves specialty. The other pitcher is a shiny golden god of a man. Imagine Mike Foltynewicz with an equally difficult to spell name, but actually good. NOAH SYNDERGAARD they call him. Lately he’s been scuffling a little bit though, leading to something of a skip in the rotation. Will the Braves be able to get to him? Probably not, but you’re either gonna tune in to this game to find out or to see how far the taters Yoenis Céspedes hits off of Williams Perez will fly.

Let’s talk about Yoenis for a second. There’s some jive on Twitter that the Braves might go after him this off-season. You might want to watch this series to see him play, see if he’s the real deal, and get yourself all excited. Here are my professional substitute blogger two cents. In one scenario, Yoenis is nowhere near the dollar figure the Braves are going to spend this off-season. The GM-squad has said that they don’t intend to spend until next next off-season. Watch him this season to see someone who is literally on fire play the game of baseball and nothing more. In the second possibility the Braves decide to go for it. They already traded their top prospect and Alex goddamn Wood for a 30 year old Cuban dude with zero pro plate appearances. They fork over huge piles of cash and Yoenis Cespedes joins Markakis and probably Maybin in what sounds like an enjoyable outfield on paper. In that case, I advise you to watch this series to enjoy what will probably be the final productive appearances he makes in Atlanta. If anyone is going straight down to BJ (Upton) town, it’s this guy. So either way, watch whenever Yoenis comes up to face one of our scrubadub pitchers. Also I’m pretty sure his last name means “lawns” in Spanish, so he’s got that going for him as well.

Game four, though. Game four is the one to watch. In game four the Braves face confirmed trashboi Jon Niese. He is so bad. There’s no way they lose this one. Freddie and our new savior Hector are going to obliterate this botched nose job doofus. Oh who am I kidding, it’s gonna be worse than the Bartolo game in terms of guys making major league money inexplicably unable to challenge a pitcher that’s not gonna make a playoff roster. But hey, remember the positives from earlier? You can still watch this game. Sure the Braves are throwing another young gooberballer out there but he’s a nice kid and people like him gosh darn it!

Positives. Enjoy the series and whatever the Mets come up with next to remind the world that they are #bad.

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Posted in 2015 Braves Series Previews, Baseball, Columns, Sports Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
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