What’s good, fuckers? Been a long time since I’ve put the ole pen to pad (well, keys to keyboard but you know what the fuck I mean) and today we are going to talk about your 2015 Atlanta Braves. Look man, I honestly don’t know where to start with this team bro–everything fucking sucked. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. The owners, the GM, the coach, the players, the beat writers, I mean it legitimately was a terrible fucking year in every facet possible. When the highlight of your season is, “I mean at least we didn’t lose 100 games,” then you need to re-fucking-evaluate the whole thing. Let’s just start where it all went downhill: when they traded Jason Heyward…
Oh, my sweet prince, my beautiful Black Jesus. Much like the Romans with the “real” Jesus Christ (nigga was a colored dude but THE MAN wants you to think it was some saltine-ass-looking-fucker, but I digress), the Atlanta faithful didn’t appreciate you and cast you aside and considered you a false prophet and to them I say suck my above-average-sized dick. WE HAD A BLACK JESUS, AND HE WAS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. Then after that shit show, we traded El Oso Coke-o, J-Up, Kimbrel, and the sweet dick slanging, not giving a fuck-ing dude Melvin aka BJ aka “wish a nigga would” Upton. I’m gonna surprise you and say the trade that I disliked the most was Melvin. Sure he sucked and was a terrible signing, but Melvin had something that the Braves needed, and that was his “I wish a nigga would” attitude. Now, my white readers/friends, y’all may not be able to relate to this, but most black folks live by the “Wish” factor. If you need further explanation of this, please go watch Kings of Comedy and listen to Ced the Entertainer talk about this. But what I’m saying with BJ is he brought that to the Braves, who were a god-awful mess of boring, boring, FUCKING BORING baseball and awful personalities. “We just play the BRAVES WAY and do things the right way around here.” Man, fuck you. The “Braves Way” is awful and it’s just them wishing they had the pedigree that the Cardinals do because the Cardinals and their racist, stupid, inbred fucking fans say shit like this and we HATE them for it, but since we’re the low rent option and suck, people don’t give a fuck.
Now, as far as the actual season, I’ll be honest, I watched one full Braves this year and I hate myself for even giving them that much of my fucking time. When they signed Gomes and AJ and all these other “gritty, hard nosed” vets, I just stopped giving a fuck about this team. The problem with signing all those players is, uh, news flash, THEY’RE TERRIBLE and no matter how “gritty” someone is, if they fucking suck, they fucking suck (shout out to Kirk Gibson because I said gritty like 4 times and he has a patent on that fuck shit). So can I recap the Braves season without watching? Sure.
Freeman got hurt and was still the best offensive player we had. Shoulda traded Maybin when he was on that two week stretch to get some shit for him, but hey, fuck it, let’s waste that opportunity. Signing Markakis was soooo fucking dumb. “LET’S GET RID OF THE BEST RF IN THE LEAGUE AND GET LIKE THE 39TH BEST ONE TO REPLACE HIM!” Good job there. He didn’t really suck, but he was what the fuck you expected him to be: a slap-hitting pussy with a dope-ass beard. Shelby Miller was a nice surprise, but like the car he’s named after, he’ll eventually break down and be no more than a memory of how you got your first hand job in the back seat from some BBW named Doris. The rest of the team was just like there. Simba made some dope plays and shit but that’s about all I got. In all honesty, anyone with a sensible baseball mind called this shit before it happened. This team was built to suck and they did (NUMBER 3 PICK BITCHES WHICH WE WILL WASTE ON SOME HIGH SCHOOL PITCHER WHOSE ARM IS GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE. CANTTTTTTTTTTT WAITTTTTTTTTTTTT) and they were terrible while they did it and god fucking awful to try to watch.
BUT on a personal note, some good did come out of it from ya boy. I got to meet some of the coolest people in ATL (shout out Franklin, Telfo, Jen, Kevin, Kyle, Gritty, and Stacy) and it was fucking awful to prove to people that I was a real boy. I went to the Pink Pony and seen a lot of fake titties which was awesome, so ya, shit worked out for ole Rope. So with that, I’m gonna go finish this drank and see if Pornhub has updated their Ebony category and call it a night. ‘Til next year, folks.