Jurassic Park sparked an amazing generation. Dinosaurs became super cool again. Then, they became not so cool after the two sequels, but that is ok, because we are going to be getting a new one in June of 2015. However, after I saw the amazing trailer with some questionable (BUT FIXABLE IN POST PRODUCTION, THE MOVIE ISN’T OUT YET OK REDDIT!!!) CGI, I began to look at the cast. And then, BAM, it hit me. It was all connected. The yarn poured forth. My wall became cluttered with pictures in a seemingly unorganized manner. The conspiracy board has begun!!!
So, hear me out. Hollywood is getting nervous. There were four superhero movies this year. In 2016, there is going to be approximately 23. Nobody wants to compete with that. So, Hollywood is finally revolting. They know they can’t beat Marvel and DC movies, so they are going to try to extend a warm hand of friendship — PSYCH!!! They are coming after you dudes. They know that Disney, Sony and Fox making Marvel movies is going to a tall order, so what if we united them all — showed them that it can be done. “No movie could accomplish this feat,” you might say! Fear not, for Jurassic World is here!!! Check out this cast yo!
Chris Pratt – Star-Lord
Perhaps the biggest Hollywood newcomer in the world right now, so it is awesome that he is going to be in this movie. But, let’s be honest, that is not the real reason he is in this movie. He is the main character, because the first of the many pieces in this weird and twisted puzzle is the star of the most outlandishly amazing superhero movie ever made since Blade (I’m running for president of Wesley Snipe’s fanboy society, so I need a good sound byte every once in a while). Star-Lord is the first of the many gears in this large and disgusting machine.
Bryce Dallas Howard – Former Gwen Stacey
When I saw the lovely female lead, I could not figure out where I recognized her from. However, the red hair won’t fool me Bryce!!! You are the original Gwen Stacey!!! Yes, she played the ill-fated heroine in Spider-Man 3 (strong showing from trilogies gone wrong in this post). This return from her fall from grace — and a skyscraper while doing a copier photo shoot? — is the beginning of the marination of Marvel, old and new.
Omar Sy – Bishop
I’ll be honest, Sy is pretty low on the list of top-billed cast, but he was an awesome Bishop in Days of Future Past, and I am really excited to see him become a more popular actor. But never mind all that potential bull crap, he represents Fox as now we have the beginning of something that might not be a coincidence.
Ty Simpkins – Iron Man 3 kid
Kid actors are gross. You could choose any one, and it is probably gonna be bad, unless we are counting Macaulay Culkin who is obviously the greatest actor of all time. So, let’s just choose a kid actor at random, right? Wrong!!! Let’s choose the kid from Iron-Man 3, who sent RDJ into that really weird stress freakout that we ALL wanted to see. He represents the younger generation that Hollywood is pulling into its dastardly scheme.
Brian Tee – The not-so-central antagonist in The Wolverine
Forget this guy who was the Oscar snub of the century? He was the creepy politician playboy guy who got thrown out of a window in just his underwear and socks! You know him now! He is a key to this wonderful concoction.
Irrfan Khan – The not-so-central antagonist in The Amazing Spider-Man
This guy is a Hollywood legend. He worked on both the reboot that erased the phenomenal work that our girl, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Life of Pi. He said the name Richard Parker in both movies that came out less than six months apart. That is literally the only thing that he could put on his resume, and I am down to watch him do anything. Oh yeah, and did we mention that he is now a contributor to the biggest ploy since that moon landing stuff.
Vincent D’Onofrio – The New Kingpin
It ain’t Michael Clark Duncan. But he’s here.
Eddie J. Fernandez – A stunt player in both Captain America: Winter Soldier and Agents of Shield
This dude is key. He is really the connection between all of these people. If I could show you my conspiracy board, this would all make sense, but it is taking up my entire room at this point, and panorama doesn’t translate well in this medium. Just trust me, alright.
Christopher Heskey – Delta Soldier #2
He is in the new Fantastic Four. Any representation from this movie is shocking. He wraps this whole thing up with a big ole unnecessarily rebooted bow.
Bam! And there you have it. If you can’t see it now, I have no hope for you. Go ahead and put this one in the books, gents. I have debunked Hollywood.